Pragmatism and Complications
by amybr10
Summary: Red thinks about his feelings for Liz. Liz thinks about her feelings for Red. Lizzington.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own The Blacklist, or any of its characters. I am making no profit from this.

Authors note: Ok so this is my first fanfiction for The Blacklist. I haven't written in about 8 years but these characters just won't leave me alone! I don't even know where this came from, it was not what I intended writing when I sat down but apparently my muse had other ideas and this was born. I also live in the UK so sorry if some of the writing is British English and not American English.

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He sat silently in the early hours of the morning, cradling a glass tumbler and staring into the fire. Sleep had evaded him, not an uncommon occurrence, but tonight his melancholy reached deep into the depths of his despair. He had more than most to despair over and tonight his pragmatism raged against his soul over his love for a woman.

He remembered the feeling upon first seeing her descend those stairs. Remembered his irritation at a flicker of something other than a casual interest in the woman she had become. He had known she was beautiful, but seeing her walk towards him had caused a reaction that was both unexpected and unwelcome. In his line of work complicated feelings were not only dangerous, but fell into the category of damn right stupid, and yet there was something about her that drew him in in a way he could scarcely remember feeling before. Her attitude to being there, her blasé way of attempting to belittle her importance, her attempts to control a situation he knew she felt out of her depth in, it all made a part of him sit up and take notice.

He should have known then that it was likely to get out of hand.

Raymond Reddington does not do things by half, and in barely no time at all, it appeared he had fallen deeply, irrevocably and terrifyingly in love with Elizabeth keen.  
All the moments from the months of working with her, angering her, warning her, comforting her, had woven themselves together and embedded themselves within a heart he had thought, and hoped, was long cold and closed off to these kinds of feelings.  
And now here he sat, desperate for the feelings not to exist, if only for the reason that they made everything so much harder.  
Spending time with her on a daily basis was a cruel mix of pleasure and pain. Pleasure at being allowed to be in her presence, at being allowed to work with her and not against her and having the privilege of living a kind of domesticity that only added to the pain. Once Lizzie had stayed with him after Berlin had escaped it had become increasingly hard to compartmentalise his feelings. Seeing her in his kitchen in the morning, watching her curled up on the couch in the evening, walking Hudson together through the park, it all hinted at a life with her he couldn't allow himself to have. He had sworn long ago never again to love obviously, never again leave such a visible target.

Her things had started to appear in every room of the house, intertwining herself with his surroundings like she had always been there. The appearance of another hair grip on the coffee table or a pair of shoes kicked off by the back door, her purse on the counter, it always ensnared him into fantasising about what could be. The inevitable pain at the realisation that it could never be was almost not worth the pleasure of the musings of a life lived with her. Even if she returned his affection being with him would only make her miserable. His life was dark, hidden, lived far from the right side of the law, a law she had sworn to uphold. Necessity kept them together for the moment, they both needed answers and sometime in the future that would change and she wouldn't need him anymore. He was prepared for that, a small part of him hoped it would be sooner rather than later, perhaps then it wouldn't be so painful.

God knows he didn't mean or even want to fall in love with her. He had tried everything he could think of to discourage the feelings from taking root. Her presence in his life brought him a peace and joy he had no right to experience. So while he yearned for her in a way he couldn't possibly control he knew he would never allow himself to give in. He would never feel her lips against his, her breath on his neck as she curled up to him in bed or her skin against his on lazy Sunday mornings. The future he wanted for her was filled with the love of a man worthy of her. He wanted a man to appreciate the beauty of the person she was and be thankful for every smile she bestowed on him. He wanted her to experience the terrifying instant love when your baby is placed in your arms. The agonising thought that from that moment on your heart would walk around outside your body held in the hands of a child. He never wanted her to discover the despair and emptiness when that child is taken from you, the darkness that overtakes every aspect of your life. Happiness was not in his future, the Concierge of Crime had dues to pay and Raymond Reddington loved Elizabeth Keen enough to ensure that happiness filled her future in all the places his involvement in her life had taken it away.

He rolled his wrist distractedly, the rapidly melting ice clinking against the glass with the movement. He stared into the fire, never noticing the figure stood in the doorway observing him battle his internal war, while she felt increasingly crushed under the intensity of her own emerging feelings for him. He was too lost in his own turmoil to consider she may need help finding her way out of her own.

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AN: Well I hope I wasn't terrible. I have put this as complete but there is potential for me to do a second part from Liz's POV if it is something people want to read. :-) Reviews are very welcome, even if its to tell me my writing needs work!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Still own nothing

Authors Note: Thank you all so much who reviewed, I was honestly not expecting such an amazing response. Since Lizzie's POV seemed to be a popular idea here it is. Apologies for the F word, I tried to think of another word to use but it just didn't have the same level of impact behind it.

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She watched him from the doorway. She was ninety per cent sure he had no idea she was there. With Red nothing was ever one hundred per cent. He was so lost in whatever he was thinking about she could probably walk in and sit down and he wouldn't even stir. She didn't walk in though, she just watched.

It was dark in the room, the only light illuminating him came from the fire and a small lamp in the far corner. Despair and tension emanated from him, it filled her senses. It felt like when you knew a storm was brewing, when you could feel the heaviness in the air, the tension before the thunder and lightning, the scent of the inevitable rain long before a drop even fell. She wondered what storm was raging in him now, if the rainfall and thunder was just as inevitable.

She wanted to go to him. She wanted to curl up with him and offer whatever comfort she could. She hated herself for it. He had killed her father. He had taken away the one person who she could rely on. She should hate him, not want to offer him comfort. Yet despite knowing she should hate him, if she was honest with herself she knew she didn't. Not even a little bit. So she hated herself instead.

Her life was a shambles. Everything she thought she knew about her life was a lie. She was half convinced everything she knew about herself was a lie too. How can you know who you are when you let yourself be deceived by a man who swore to love and cherish you, a man who you lived with for over two years?

And the truth was she had let herself be deceived. She had let Tom convince her that she was the bad guy, that it was her job that was ruining their marriage. She had ignored the niggling thoughts that something wasn't right. How can you be married to a man for two years and not know that he doesn't really exist, that all you are to him is a job? A voice in the back of her mind whispered to her that she had wanted to believe it, she had wanted to believe in him. She wanted so badly for her life to be normal and Tom was the centre of that, so she had deceived herself. She had sworn that she wouldn't lie to herself ever again.

Her gaze remained on Red, almost unblinking in her observation. What was he thinking that affected him so much? She wished she knew but she didn't know enough about him to fathom a guess. She knew the facade, the man he wanted people to think he was. She didn't know what really motivated him, why he had been driven to do the things he had done, what his ultimate goal was. She did know she was important to him, she thought it was because she was key to whatever his goal was. She hoped it wasn't.

She had glimpsed the deeply hidden man underneath the disguise of the Concierge of Crime more often lately, living with someone gives you opportunities to see them in a different light. She knows he likes to cook, he says it relaxes him. She has seen him wearing jeans, it never occurred to her he might own a pair of jeans, never mind wear them. He wears glasses sometimes, she still hasn't worked out if he wears contacts when he's not wearing glasses or if the glasses are for something specific. She does know they make him look younger, more relaxed, they suit him.

In the name of being honest with herself she admits he fascinates her, that there is something about him. He draws her in, makes her want to glimpse the man underneath his heavy armour. She admitted to herself long ago a sexual attraction, he is compelling, enigmatic, handsome and confident, not many people could honestly say they hadn't been affected by him. She knows now it's more than that.

She watches his glass roll in his hand, she hears the clinking of the ice. She watches his shoulders sag and his head fall back to rest on the chair. He looks exhausted. She itches to run her hand over his head, wants to massage the stress from his shoulders. She shouldn't want too, but she does.

She thinks she loves him. She wonders if she is grasping, wonders if she is trying to cling to the one thing that is real in her life right now. He never tells her everything, she knows that. But he never lies to her either, even when it would make his life easier to do so.

The profiler in her thinks they might be developing an unhealthy co-dependency. The FBI agent in her knows that being in love with him is wrong, that acting on those feelings would end her career, hell even feeling them might end her career, she's never had much of a poker face. The daughter in her is disgusted that she is in love with the man who murdered her father. The woman in her just wants _him_. She wants to crawl into his lap and kiss away the turmoil on his face, tell him that whatever it is that is bothering him they can work it out. But she won't.

She feels like a stone has been placed on her chest, like it's hard to breathe. Her ever-increasing feelings are laced with shame and guilt. She should not have these feelings for him, but she can't stop herself. If you can fall in love with the man who murdered your father she thinks there's a kind of inevitability about it. Maybe she has no say in this at all. Maybe she is just weak with no control over herself.

She doesn't know what his feelings for her are, what is really behind his devotion to her safety. But sometimes she catches him looking at her, a quick meeting of eyes before he turns away. Those times she's certain she sees something in his eyes, something like longing. Sometimes she thinks he must see the same in hers.

She closes her eyes and rests her body against the wood of the open doorway. She considers how messed up this situation really is. Only months ago she was asking this man if he was her father. She thinks it was a valid question, if only just to make sure. After all falling in love with her biological father was fucked up, even in her thoroughly fucked up world.

Her eyes fly open and she freezes when she hears her name.

'God, Lizzie.'

It's a whisper, almost a whimper. For a second she is certain he has seen her.

He hasn't seen her and he isn't talking to her. His hand is running over his head and down over his face as he sighs deeply. He lifts his glass and downs the last of his drink. She moves quickly away from the door, certain he is about to leave the room, and hurries quietly back up the stairs and into her room.

Sitting on the edge of her bed she is horrified that his despair obviously stemmed from something to do with her. She is worried and more than a little confused. He whispered her name with such reverence, such _need_. The idea that maybe his feelings for her aren't platonic is terrifying. She isn't sure where this leaves them. A mirthless laugh escapes her mouth, everything is always so complicated.

She grabs a pillow from the bed, clutches it to her abdomen and curls herself around it. Her head touches her knees and she shakes with repressed tears she swears she won't cry. There are so many reasons why she shouldn't love him. She doesn't want to love him. She should be professionally detached, he's the fourth most wanted man in the world, and she's an FBI agent.

There are so many reasons why Elizabeth Keen shouldn't love Raymond Reddington, but she does. And she hates herself for it.

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AN: I am not so happy with this chapter, it has been rewritten several times but I can't seem to get it just right. I find Lizzie much harder to write than Red but I hope it wasn't terrible. I have an idea for a third chapter so I think there may be one more to come to finish it off. Reviews are very welcome, I am happy to accept constructive criticism, happier to receive reviews saying you like it :-)


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Still don't own, still not making a profit.

Authors Note: I am so sorry its taken me so long to update, RL has been a bit manic and I have been at war with my muse. This chapter has been written three times, each one completely different and I have been struggling to decide which way to go with it. However after much deliberation this is the one chosen so I hope it doesn't disappoint! Thank you so much to all who reviewed, I have honestly been a bit stunned by the response but it has been wonderful. I hope you enjoy the next chapter! x

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Weeks passed slowly by and the tension in their shared house was reaching breaking point.

Liz struggled to come to terms with her feelings for Red. It made her snap at both Red and Dembe for minor offences that people who live together learn to tolerate. A dirty glass left on the counter top or a jacket slung over a chair were violations which would earn the offender a filthy look and a waspish comment about being the only person who made an attempt to keep things tidy. It wasn't true, but Liz didn't care.

Red's struggle was more controlled and internal but it was there none the less. Liz's irrational behaviour was making Red less tolerant and just as irrational as the days passed by. He found himself doing things he knew would make her angry on purpose. He snapped back at her when she got angry, doors were slammed and voices raised. Dembe found himself stuck in the middle and often took to walking around the perimeter of the house just to escape the two warring occupants.

The lack of progress on finding Berlin was making things worse. Both Red and Liz would end the day frustrated and no closer to their goal, making their personal problems more difficult to cope with on a daily basis.

Neither Red nor Liz was prepared to face the root of the problem, neither wanted to acknowledge the sexual tension swirling between them regardless of its ever increasing impact on their lives.

Red had long been captivated by Liz, it was small things about her which never failed to catch his attention. The smell of her shampoo, the way she sang quietly under her breath when she thought no one was listening, a singing voice was not one of Liz's talents but he liked to listen anyway. The way she would stretch in the morning, pulling her arms far above and behind her head, working out the kinks and by default lifting and thrusting her breasts forward while closing her eyes and sighing gently was a sight he both longed and loathed seeing first thing in the morning. It never failed to put him slightly on edge before the day had even truly begun.

Liz found things about Red that she had only noticed in passing before now had a profound effect on her. Watching him reading had the mortifying side effect of a racing heart and sweaty palms. The way he caressed the pages with his hands held her attention in a way she had never thought possible, and if he was wearing his glasses it only made it worse. The way he focused his attention fully on whatever he was doing made her mind wander in a direction she wasn't willing for it to go.

They danced around one another, more often than not flinging biting comments or sarcastic replies from the safety of a different room or with a table between them, both silently acknowledging they needed the safety of distance.

After a horrible restless night Liz walked into the kitchen looking for coffee, there was no way she could face this day without being fully caffeinated. It quickly became apparent there was no coffee. Liz stormed into the sitting room where she found Red with a cup of steaming liquid in his hand. Liz could not control her response.

'God damn it Red! All I want is one cup of coffee, is that too much to ask?'

Red turned to look at the angry woman in front of him. He acknowledged to himself she looked tired, her mood obviously a side effect of a lack of sleep but he found himself disinclined to deal with it this morning.

'But no you have to use up the last of the coffee. Would it have killed you to think I might want some and leave a little for me? Sometimes you can be so selfish!'

The words flew from Liz's mouth without thought, things she didn't mean or even want to say. Things she had said before and regretted since. He said nothing while she ranted, only watched her as she wound herself into a frenzy. When she finally stopped to take a breath he jumped in.

'If you would stop to notice you would see I am drinking tea, not coffee, as there was none left for any of us, Dembe is at the store now getting some more. It's a little early in the morning to get your panties in a bunch Lizzie so if you don't mind I was quite enjoying the peace and quiet before you stormed in here with your rather unfortunate mood in full force.'

And with that he turned back to his tea and effectively ignored her presence. Lizzie's mouth dropped open and she stared at the side of Red's head. Now she was adult enough to admit that perhaps she had been a little unfair in her accusations this morning but his response had effectively poured gasoline on an already raging inferno. She drew in a deep breath,

'My unfortunate mood?' She spat the words disbelievingly at him. 'I think I have a lot to be in an unfortunate mood about right now! Most of all living here with you!' The last sentence was screamed at him from the five feet separating them.

Red turned to look at her, he placed his cup on the table.

'Well I assure you my dear, living with you is not any easier. I will remind you that it was your choice to come with me, and to live here.' He threw the words at her, a rare display of pure emotion, their collective anger swirling between them like a separate entity. He stood from the chair, his blank expression firmly back in place.

'I will not remain here only to engage in a shouting match with you Lizzie, if you regain a more civil demeanour later perhaps we can talk then.'

Liz picked up a small paper weight from a nearby desk and threw it past Red's head, it smashed into the wall leaving a large dent and shattered into tiny pieces.

'How's that for more civil you bastard.' She never intended on actually hitting him, but it certainly had the desired effect when Red's maddeningly calm facade was broken as he stormed over to her.

He stopped mere inches from her, she wondered whether he was trying to intimidate her. While not particularly tall Red had an aura of power and physicality men of much bigger stature would never possess. Lizzie stood her ground and stared him in the eye. They stood just looking at each other for what seemed like hours but in reality was mere seconds. The air crackled between them, their anger fuelling their need.

Lizzie moved first. She didn't intend to, her body moved of its own accord, hands gripping the lapels of his jacket pulling him towards her. She went up onto her tiptoes and crashed her mouth onto his.

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AN: So its still not finished, considering I had no real intention of making this a multi chapter fic its not doing so bad. Let me know what you think, reviews are much appreciated xxxx


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Still not mine, still no profit.

Authors Note: So I had a huge dilemma with this chapter, to give in, or not to give in, I hope people aren't disappointed with my choice. This fic has exploded from a nice little oneshot I just had to write into a multi-chapter I never imagined writing so if it feels a bit like I'm flying by the seat of my pants, I am a little bit! I hope you enjoy it, please let me know by reviewing if you do or even if you don't, constructive criticism is welcome.

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Red barely had time to suck in a breath as Lizzie's lips landed against his own. Unprepared for the kiss, teeth clashed and noses knocked as coordination was lost. His hands came up of their own accord, one gripping her waist and pulling her closer to his body, the other tangling in her hair, angling her head for better access. A voice in the back of Reds head shouted that this was an exceptionally bad idea. His body refused to listen as he found himself moving her backwards and into the nearest hard surface, the wall.

Red considered himself to have a fairly good imagination, but in all the fantasies he had had about Elizabeth Keen, nothing compared to the feel of her lips against his, the press of her body as she arched against him. Their tongues danced and hands roamed, things were getting very quickly out of control. His brain screamed at him, reminding him of every promise he had sworn, reminding him of the things he wanted for Lizzie, that this was not it. Her mouth against his, her hands gripping his neck and her body pressed flush against his own was making him realise that if right now she asked him to give it all up, if she asked him to be hers, he would. That sobering thought was enough for him to drag himself away from her and put much needed distance between the two of them.

Lizzie stared at him from her position against the wall, their breathing ragged and coming in deep shuddering breaths. He met her eyes

'This is a bad idea Lizzie. You don't really want this.'

And with that he turned and left the room.

Liz stayed pressed against the wall, unsure of what had just happened. She brought her hand to her lips and felt how swollen they were, proof at least that she hadn't just imagined that entire encounter. She wasn't sure what the hell had come over her. One minute they were arguing, the next they were pressed against the wall. Then he had just left. She let out a long breath, drew herself away from the wall and walked to sit down on the chair recently vacated by Red. She couldn't even bring herself to be angry with him, because it was a bad idea. Right now her life was complicated enough without adding a potentially explosive relationship with Raymond Reddington into the mix. Her career hung in the balance, she had left with a fugitive after all. Her husband didn't exist and had held a gun to her head before she had left him for dead. Her friend was dead, her boss in the hospital clinging to life. Not to mention Berlin and their lack of any kind of breakthrough finding him. Her own emotions were so confused and wayward she wasn't even sure what she wanted. So yes, it was a desperately bad idea, destined to fail, she knew him leaving was the best decision, stopping them from doing something they would undoubtedly regret. That they wanted each other was undeniable, but getting what you want isn't always the best thing. She rose from the chair, coffee forgotten, and left the room heading for the shower determined to forget it had ever happened and even more determined to ignore the voice telling her that she didn't want to forget.

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Red walked aimlessly down the street, he had no fedora, no weapon and no bodyguard. If his enemy was close by, today was their lucky day, they would never have a better opportunity to take Raymond Reddington out. He was a mess, the whole situation was a mess, he wasn't even sure how it had happened. He had known something was going to have to give between him and Lizzie, they had barely been civil to one another the last few weeks but it had never occurred to him they would end up about four minutes away from having sex up against a wall. He had no illusions, that was where it had been heading without a shadow of a doubt. The buttons on his vest were undone and his shirt untucked at the back, he couldn't remember but he assumed Lizzie had done it, he certainly remembered sliding his hands up under her T-shirt before coming to his senses. He didn't know where this left them, he was a little stunned at her initiating their kiss, it had never occurred to him that she might feel something other than a reluctant tolerance for him.

He sat on a bench, his aimless wandering had taken him far from the house. He watched as people passed by, carrying on with their lives while his life was unravelling around him. His business was being attacked from every angle, his life was constantly under threat and more importantly Lizzie's life was under threat. His feelings for her were getting out of control and now he had tasted her lips, felt her body against his, he wasn't sure how he could pretend he wasn't affected, that he didn't ache for her every day.

He reminded himself of his reason for being here, what he was fighting for. He would see this through to the end and fight off anything that stood in his way and that included fighting himself and his feelings for Lizzie if that's what it took. He could leave, just go and never return. She would never find him and he could make sure she was safe from a distance. He could find another way to see his plan through without her. That way she would be safe, safe from Berlin, safe from every person who wanted to hurt him by hurting her and most of all safe from him. She could start a new life, settle down and be happy. The idea plagued him but he knew it was not really an option, if there was another way he would have chosen it long ago. He might not be able to leave her and leave her out of his plans but he could make sure he didn't change her irrevocably by bringing her down to his level, truly into his life. He would shield her as much as he could, keep her as innocent as possible in all of this. And most of all he would not take away her future by binding her to him, he would forget about today, pretend it never happened. He rose from the bench and walked with purpose back towards the house.

Raymond Reddington had spent years lying, twisting the truth and omitting important details, he had forged a career on being able to do it well but he never made a promise he couldn't keep, not even to himself. He refused to acknowledge the small sliver of doubt that reminded him that he didn't want to forget and that faced with a Lizzie that wanted him as much as he wanted her, he wasn't entirely convinced that he could keep his promises.

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AN: So I hope you aren't disappointed! I so wanted to just give in but I felt it would have been too quick and not in keeping with the first couple of chapters. It's not finished, I estimate at least another 3 (eek!) chapters and hopefully eventually I will give in ;-)


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Still own nothing

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Liz heard him re-enter the house and felt the nervous anxiety well up in her stomach, she didn't know how to handle this. She was sat on the couch and quickly grabbed a book from the coffee table and pretended to be absorbed in its pages. As it happened she needn't have bothered, he didn't even enter the room but instead strode straight up the stairs. She heard the click of his bedroom door and threw the book back to the coffee table. She rose and went to get a glass of wine, perhaps they would just pretend, just carry on as if it hadn't happened. As she went through the process of finding a wine glass and choosing a bottle of wine she decided that that was the best scenario, if he didn't mention it, neither would she.

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He paced the floor of his bedroom; he didn't know how he was going to handle this. He was a man of varied experiences but right now the very last thing in the world he wanted to do was face Lizzie and the inevitable conversation they would have to have. He didn't know how to approach it. Perhaps she would mention it first; she would know what she wanted to say. After all _she_ had kissed him. He stopped pacing and nodded his head to himself, decision made. He would wait for her to start the conversation, if she didn't mention it, neither would he.

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Dembe was just about at the end of this tether. Twenty three days of Red and Lizzie pretending that nothing had happened. Dembe didn't even know what _had_ happened, just that something clearly had. He considered himself a calm and patient man, he had spent years with Raymond Reddington and had never felt compelled to do the man an injury until now. That grown adults could act like a pair of school children, who dare not look each other in the eye for fear that everyone would know the naughty deeds they had gotten up to, was driving him slowly insane. Red and Lizzie had managed to accomplish what servitude and torture had not, he was about to break. He had to talk to Raymond about this before all the years he had kept the man alive would be for nothing, because he resorted to smothering him in his sleep.

Dembe walked through Red's bedroom, out the double doors and onto the balcony where Red sat with his glass of whisky. He sat out here a lot; Dembe was convinced it was because Liz would never venture out here. He sat in the chair opposite Red and looked at him.

'Raymond, my brother, this must end.'

Red looked at him, raised his glass and drank the remaining liquid. 'Really Dembe you are going to have to be a little more specific about what exactly must end.'

He delivered the sentence with a straight face and if Dembe had been anyone else he would have been fooled into believing that Red had no idea about what he was talking about. Fortunately for Dembe he knew Red about as well as anyone ever had, and he knew Red was very much aware of what he spoke of.

'Raymond once you saved my life, I consider I owe you a debt….'

Red cut him off sharply 'You owe me nothing, we are more than even.' Dembe raised his hand to signal this wasn't the point he was trying to make.

'I consider I owe you a debt and I feel if I do not say this I would be doing you a disservice. I am aware of your feelings for Elizabeth, I will wager you feel you are not good enough or perhaps you wish for her to not become embroiled in this life, which is why you persist in torturing yourself by pretending the feelings do not exist. She is the same I imagine. You persist in torturing each other and I cannot watch it any longer. '

Red looked in anger at his friend, they were brothers, confidants and protectors to each other, he respected his opinion, but not in this.

'Dembe, this is not a topic for discussion.' The tone of his voice confirmed the words he spoke; he was not going to entertain this.

'Raymond if you do not address this situation we will never get anywhere with our investigation. You and Elizabeth are more of a hindrance than a help!' Dembe's exasperation with his employer was clear in his voice, Red may not want to entertain this conversation, but Dembe had no intention of acquiescing to his wishes. 'If you cannot work together then what is the point in us being here? You cannot speak to one another and make eye contact; you ensure you are never alone in a room together. You don't even eat a meal without me as a buffer between you. You throw longing glances when you think the other is not looking,'

Red opened his mouth in an attempt at denial but Dembe was ready for it.

'Do not insult my intelligence by claiming you do not, I have done little else for almost a month but watch two people make every attempt to persuade each other they do not want one another, and in the process only proving the exact opposite. It is becoming trying Raymond.'

Red was a little stunned. He had not considered how this situation may be affecting Dembe. He was too caught up in his own turmoil to consider if it was affecting anybody else. He and Lizzie had barely spoken in almost a month. Neither had had the courage to broach the topic that was heavy in the air but now instead of angry words and raised voices, silence hung heavily around the house. They tiptoed around one another and ensured there would be no opportunity for a repeat performance. He was constantly on edge, it was true his investigation into Berlin had gotten nowhere, he could barely concentrate on maintaining stability in the house, never mind trying to figure out the mystery that surrounded what Berlin wanted. He sighed deeply, Dembe was right, it had to end.

'I think I need to get away for a while Dembe.'

Dembe looked at Red and gave him a small smile. 'That is not an ending my friend, that is running away.'

'Sometimes running is the best option, sometimes it's the only option.'

'And sometimes it is the act of a coward.' Dembe did not consider Red a coward, far from it, the man had endured more than one person should ever have too and had faced it head on, but in this, running was not a solution, only a temporary reprieve.

'Perhaps it is Dembe.' Red rose with resignation, Dembe's words had stung but Red knew time away would be good; it would give him the opportunity to reflect and to move his investigation on. He had some contacts he could talk to, they may have some information he could use.

Dembe spoke from behind him,

'Raymond, you may think you are doing what is best for her but have you considered her feelings in any of this? Have you given any thought to what she wants?'

Red turned and looked at Dembe. 'She doesn't know what she wants Dembe, and if she thinks she wants me then she is more confused than ever.'

'You do her a great disservice, she is not a child. You have no right to tell her what she wants and does not want, you do not have the right to choose that for her.'

Red took a deep breath to control his temper and looked Dembe in the eye,

'I have the right to choose not to destroy her by bringing her into this, what kind of life would we lead? It's never going to be happily ever after. I respect her too much to do that to her. I love her enough to let her go.' He spoke the words softly but filled with emotion, Dembe was unmoved.

'If you respected her you would know that if she chose you it's because it's what she really wants, regardless of the consequences. If you loved her, you would respect that.

Red looked at his friend seemingly unaffected by his speech.

'We leave in the morning, be ready.' And with that he turned and left the outside space.

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AN - Thank you so much to everyone who ha reviewed this, I have been overwhelmed with the lovely comments I have received. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, let me know :)


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Nope, still not mine.

A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, they mean everything to me.

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Red had been gone for 9 days. His curt expressionless note left on the refrigerator one morning was the last contact she had had with him.

'Away on business, should be back in a week, 10 days at most. Red.'

Thirteen words which suggested nothing and everything, at the same time. That he had said he was coming back was reassuring but Liz knew that he had left to get away from them, she had considered it herself more than once. He, at least, thought of an excuse. There had been no phone calls and no messages, not even from Dembe.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder; Liz wasn't convinced that it was true. Fond wasn't a word she could put to her emotions right now. She was caught up in a maelstrom of conflicting emotions surrounding one man who seemed to effortlessly whip up a storm inside her. She was angry he had left without as much as a goodbye. Worried because she hadn't heard from him. Terrified that something might have happened to him. Relieved to have some space to think without his presence surrounding her. Frustrated that he hadn't come back yet. Anxious that he might not come back at all. But mostly she felt anticipation.

She had done a lot of thinking since he had been gone. She fought with her conflicting emotions and discovered a truth hidden under the mess. The last few months with Red had been appalling; they had fought, ignored each other and gone out of their way to avoid spending time together. For two people who lived in the same house they had done a brilliant job of managing to avoid being alone together. But despite this, she would still rather be fighting with him, than be with anybody else. She loved him, and pretending she didn't wasn't going to change that. It was never going to be easy for them, she knew that. There were things in their lives that would make it even harder but she knew she wanted to try.

Once she had made the decision she was impatient to talk to Red. It was as if she were child who had bought a birthday present, desperate to share the secret, wanting to see the recipient's reaction, but knowing they had to wait until the right day.

So she waited. She listened for the front door opening, watched the clock tick, tried to read, but she couldn't concentrate. She thought this waiting, not knowing when he was going to come back, was worse than having a definite time frame. At least if she knew when he would be back she would be ready, rather than him surprising her at any given moment.

The hours ticked by and he still hadn't come back. He said he would be gone 10 days at most, there was every possibility he could be gone longer but Liz thought he would contact her to let her know if that was the case. Until she heard otherwise she was going to assume he would be back today or tomorrow. Liz thought he might arrive during the night. That way he wouldn't have to face her and the awkward strained atmosphere which had surrounded them for the last few months. He had no idea she had no intention of letting it remain that way.

* * *

Liz stirred in her sleep, her eyes shot open as she listened to the front door close, it must have been the sound of the key which had woken her. She glanced at the clock, 2.33am, she allowed herself a small smile at being right. It faded and she sighed when she realised it spoke volumes about the state of their relationship.

She listened as she heard him move around downstairs, quiet murmurs told her Dembe was with him. She heard a small bark and a soft chuckle, Hudson was happy to see them. More murmurs and then the soft sound of familiar footfall as Red climbed the stairs. Dembe had his own rooms attached to the downstairs of the house; she knew he wouldn't be coming up with Red. She rose quickly and threw a robe over her shorts and tank top. She opened the door quietly just as he was passing; she caught his eye and smiled gently,

'Welcome home'

He cleared this throat and took in her appearance, 'Sorry if we woke you, I attempted to be quiet but Hudson was a little excited to see Dembe.' He sent her a small smile of apology.

She shrugged her shoulders, 'It doesn't matter, Hudson didn't wake me, I heard the front door. I've been waiting for you.'

'Oh.' Red was surprised by her admission, he tapped his fingers on his thigh and cleared his throat again, a sign of his nerves, he looked at Liz 'Well...I'm going to bed it's been..'

Lizzie cut him off quickly 'Can we talk?'

'Right now?'

Liz nodded, 'if you're not too tired?'

'Lizzie its 2.30, everyone is tired at 2.30.'

She nodded again, 'It's kind of important.'

He looked at her and nodded briefly, 'Ok.'

Liz stepped back from her door and opened it wider, inviting him in. He looked at her and for a second disbelief flashed in his eyes 'I think downstairs might be more appropriate.' He turned and started towards the stairs, he knew his limits, and talking with Lizzie in the middle of the night, in her bedroom while she wore tiny shorts, a tank top and a robe which barely covered her nightwear was pretty far past them.

Liz tightened the robe around her and followed Red.

* * *

They sat on the sofa, it was awkward. Now he was here and she had asked to talk she felt like her voice was frozen. She suddenly rose and looked at him

'Shall I make some tea? I fancy tea, so I'll go make a pot.' He grabbed her hand,

'I don't really want tea Lizzie. I thought you wanted to talk.'

She sighed and sat back down next to him. Her robe only came to her knees and her legs were cold, so she curled them under her as she turned to look at him.

'How was your trip? Did you get your business sorted?' She was stalling and he knew it.

'My trip was a waste of time, I didn't find out anything of note.'

She could tell he was frustrated, he rubbed the palm of his hand over his head, he sounded weary. She took a deep breath and looked him in the eye, time to get this over with.

'I want to talk to you about what happened between us a few weeks ago.'

Red's outward appearance was as still as ever, but the slight tick in his jaw gave away his discomfort, he gave a slight nod for her to continue.

She shifted slightly, pausing to work out exactly what she wanted to say. 'I need to say a few things and I would appreciate it if you would just let me say them. This isn't easy for me so please, can you just let me talk?'

He nodded his agreement and Liz gave him a small smile.

'I've had quite a bit of time to think while you have been gone. To consider things, the way things have been between us. At first I was relieved you were gone. The atmosphere between us had been awful; I had a headache before I even got out of bed every morning. I made a conscious effort to avoid you whenever I could. I didn't like it. So when I got up that morning and you were gone, I was relieved. For the first few days it was quite nice, it was quiet, I didn't have to worry I might bump into you when I didn't expect it and there would be an awkward silence before one of us left the room. It was nice to feel relaxed.'

Red was looking at her intently, she could see in his eyes he understood.

'But then I realised it was too quiet. I found myself wanting to bump into you, even if it was awkward and uncomfortable. I missed it. Even though we were fighting, I missed you.'

She saw him swallow, she didn't know if he was relieved she had missed him or nervous about where this conversation was going.

'What happened that morning was crazy Red. Crazy, but not unexpected. I wanted it to happen.' She gave a little laugh 'Well I did kiss you, so I guess that I wanted it to happen is undeniable. The point I'm trying to make is that it might have been an impulsive reaction to a heated situation, but that doesn't mean I didn't want it, that I hadn't thought about it. For a while I had been struggling with my feelings for you. I was unsure. Confused. It's been a difficult time for me with Tom. Meera. Cooper.' She glanced at him to gage his reaction 'Sam.'

He flinched slightly at the mention of her father's name. The well of hurt was still there, it was just more contained now, and she thinks maybe she understands, but not really. She thinks she can try to move past it anyway.

'Trying to work out my feelings for you at the same time as all that was just a bit too much. But this last 9 days has given me the time and space to work through it'.

She took a deep breath and looked him in the eye 'I love you'. Just saying the words made her feel lighter; even if he never said them back she wouldn't regret saying them to him. Red was shocked, his mouth had opened slightly and he looked as if he didn't know what to say. Liz smiled at him,

'I know it's crazy. It's a joke really if you think about it, probably the worst cliché you could think of. FBI agent falls in love with a top ten most wanted criminal. But it doesn't change it. You can tell me all you like that I'm not in love with you, that I'm confused. I can practically see the arguments racing through your brain as I talk to you, but nothing you say will be anything different than what I have already told myself. Whether or not it's a good idea. Whether or not you feel the same. Whether or not you want me too. I'm in love with you.'

Red opened his mouth to speak but closed it again before any sound came out. She let the silence linger between them for a few seconds before filling it.

'You don't have to say it back Red.' His eyes locked onto her 'this is not an easy situation for either of us, there are a lot of reasons why this would be a really stupid idea, not so many reasons why it would be a good one. If you weigh up the pros and cons there are definitely more cons. That said, I want to be with you. If you feel the same, if you want me, I'm willing to at least try. I'm not pressing you for an answer here and now. I'm also not going anywhere. This isn't an ultimatum. It's not an all or nothing situation. I will still work with you whatever your choice. I will be your partner and we will find our answers together. But I won't do this' she gestured between them, waving her hand through the air 'anymore. I can't. There can't be blurred lines where I don't know where I stand. I'm either your partner professionally and nothing more. Or I'm your partner completely, in everything.

Red swallowed, 'are you finished?' Liz nodded and he turned his body so he was fully facing her,

'Lizzie, I don't know what to say. I'm not entirely sure what you are asking. You want us to be together? How? What happens when the FBI come calling and you go back to your job? Do we keep it a secret? Do we forget it ever happened like it was something to get out of our system? Are you going to forget about the FBI, run away with me, a criminal, and what? Live happily ever after?

There's disbelief in this tone of voice, he can't believe they are having this conversation. But she can see hope, and want in his eyes. She knows he wants this too; he's just caught up in the finer details.

'I'm not going to pretend I have all the answers Red. It's not going to be easy. Right now I'm not even sure I am an FBI agent anymore, the task force certainly doesn't exist right now. And technically Red, I already did run away with you'. She giggled slightly.

Red was shocked at her calm manner. The way she spoke of them having a relationship so easily was astonishing.

'Red, I'm not asking for happily ever after. We can work out the details later. Maybe we will keep it a secret, maybe we need the FBI to find out some answers, maybe not. Maybe we could just forget about it all and disappear. We can figure that out later. I'm just asking for you to be with me. That's all.'

She rose from the couch; he needed time to process everything. She had had days to be comfortable with it all, he had been blindsided by it in the last 30 minutes.

'I'm going to go to bed. Take your time. Let me know when you've made your decision'.

She leant over him and kissed his cheek before walking out of the room. He heard her walk up the stairs and her bedroom door close gently.

To say Red was taken aback was an understatement. Of all the ways he had imagined his and Lizzie's reunion this had never been one of them. Stony silence? Yes. Angry words and biting comments? Sure. He half expected her to not be here at all when he returned. He was bowled over. He had absolutely no idea what to do now. He stood from the couch and walked to the kitchen, he knew one thing for sure, he needed a drink.

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A/N - There will be one more chapter after this. I hope you have enjoyed it, let me know what you think :-)


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Unfortunately not mine.

A/N: Sorry for the delay, I had intended on getting this up over the weekend but RL was insistent I pay attention.

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It was the sound of the door closing that woke her, the gentle snick of the latch falling into place despite attempts to be silent. A quick glance at the clock next to the bed told her it was 5.40am. She heard him quietly move around, she couldn't see him as darkness still enveloped the room but the whispers of fabric against skin made her think he was undressing. Her heart picked up a notch at the idea of his clothing being placed gently over the chair in the corner of the room. She listened intently, heard his feet pad slowly towards the bed. He lifted the covers and slid in silently next to her. He shifted closer to her and led close, almost spooning behind her, but not actually touching her body with his. He was close enough to feel his breath on her neck. The smell of his cologne touched her nose; it was faint, applied hours before, but it was enough to make her breath hitch and a small shudder rippled through her. She shifted slightly pressing her back into his front and his arm wrapped around her waist. She was only slightly disappointed when she felt the fabric of a t-shirt and boxer briefs through her own tank top and shorts.

He let out a slow breath and she smelt whisky, she smiled slightly and idly wondered how many he had had before he had decided to come to her room.

'There are still a few things we need to talk about Lizzie' it was whispered lightly into her ear, she shivered at the vibrations his words caused and tilted her head slightly to give him better access to her neck. He dutifully placed a soft kiss along the column before moving slightly away from her. She wasn't the only one struggling with a physical reaction.

She grinned slightly 'Fire away, I'm listening.'

'Have you considered how this will affect your life, I mean really thought about it? The chances are we are never going to be able to keep this a secret Lizzie. That means only one thing, we will have to leave. Be on the run indefinitely. You are likely to be named a fugitive which means forever looking over your shoulder, forever running.'

'I thought we talked about this already, I have considered the possibility, and while it may not be my lifestyle of choice I'm more than willing to do it, for us. I'm pretty sure the opulent houses and penthouse suites may not be to my taste but I'm willing to open negotiations. Slightly less lavish for you, slightly more normal for me. Compromise. The corner stone of most relationships.'

He sighed slightly behind her 'You make it sound so simple. I don't think you really understand how tiring that kind of lifestyle can be Lizzie. How disruptive. It's exhausting. '

She huffed out an annoyed breath 'Of course I don't really understand Red, I have never lived like that. It's something I'm willing to do. It's not a rash decision, I haven't lost my mind. Give me some credit.'

She felt his nod but sensed he was far from done.

'There are things I won't be able to give you Lizzie. There won't be a wedding. The FBI will never stop looking; we won't be able to risk signing legal documentation which implies our location and choices. There won't be a house with the white picket fence. There will be different houses, apartments, hotel suites. If we're lucky one day we might find somewhere far from sight in the middle of nowhere but it's not at all assured '. He paused and she knew what he was going to say, she knew this was probably the hardest part for him. 'There won't be any children Lizzie. I can't risk that. Not again. I won't let there be a child who would have a target on its forehead before it's even born.' She felt the tension in his body as he voiced what she knew he thought was going to be the deal breaker.

'It's ok Red. I've thought about it. I won't lie, it was a big consideration, but I knew that you wouldn't want children. It would be undeniably selfish to bring a child into a world which is as unstable as ours. I have accepted that.'

'Lizzie, it was only a matter of months ago you were days away from having a child, how can you so easily give that up?'

Lizzie turned in his arms, irritation emanated from her body as she settled on her right side facing him. 'This is not easy for me Red, nothing about this is easy. Everything you have said, every barrier you can see are ones I have already thought about. I have laid it on the line for you, and despite you crawling into my bed at stupid O'clock, you have yet to tell me exactly what it is you want. So tell me Red, what do you want?'

Red lifted his hand from her waist and raised it to play gently with a strand of her hair which had fallen into her face. 'I want you to have everything I can't give you. The devoted husband, house full of children, a life filled with happiness. I have agonised over my feelings for you, wanting you so badly but promising myself I wouldn't ever act on them. I swore that when this is finished, when you didn't need me anymore for your answers, I would let you go without a fuss and leave your life like I never existed. But I'm selfish Lizzie, and even though when I made those promises to myself I meant every word, here I am, in your bed. The reason why I am reiterating these things Lizzie, reminding you that it's not going to be easy, is because once we do this, I'm never going to let you go. You have to be sure. If you're not say now and I will leave this bed and when you get up we will go back to finding Berlin like none of this happened. If that's what you want I can do that.'

Lizzie shifted closer to him, her hand resting on this thigh as she pressed as close as possible. 'I had a husband, a house. I was supposed to be filled with happiness. That didn't work out so well. I want happiness with you Red. You will undoubtedly piss me off beyond belief sometimes. I can't promise I will never throw a paperweight at you again. I can't promise that I will never say hurtful things in anger. I can promise I want this though. I love you.'

Her face had edged closer to his with each word she spoke, he brushed his nose against hers 'I love you.' No long winded explanation of his devotion could have affected her as much as those three words.

Their lips hovered, close but not touching, their breaths mingled and finally she brushed his lips with hers, it was barely a touch. She did it again and again as his hand ran up her body to rest against her neck. Their lips caressed, hard then soft. Tongues gently touched and teased. Her hand snaked up the back of his shirt as their legs tangled together. She felt the roughness of his skin against her palm almost immediately. Small creases appeared in her forehead as she frowned at the extent of the marred skin under her hand. She pulled away from Red and saw shock and fear cross his face. Like he had forgotten he had scars on his back and he really didn't want her to see them.

'Turn over.' It was a request that he knew meant so much more than her wanting to see his back. If he refused he knew that this would go no further. If he agreed there was every possibility it would go no further anyway. He owed it to her to give her he opportunity to make her own decision. Red sat up in the bed and removed his t-shirt.

Even the darkness that had surrounded them wasn't going to be any help; it was giving way to the light that was creeping through the curtains. It was past dawn and the sun was making its presence felt. He turned his back to her tensed for her reaction.

She gasped at the extent of the scaring. Burns. There was no doubt. Her gaze fell to her own burn scar on her palm and wrist. She raised her hand to his back and gently ran her fingertips over the raised flesh.

'You were in a fire?'

He nodded once. Carefully, deliberately. She felt his tension, the way his shoulders were held rigid and it suddenly occurred to her that the flames which had branded her skin might have branded his too. She let out a shuddering breath and voiced her suspicion.

'The same fire I was in?' She was calm, not accusing, she merely wanted to know, not to blame. She didn't think it was possible for a man to be as tense as Red was right then, his muscles were solid, she could feel the tautness of his body in every breath he took. He nodded once again.

A veritable storm of thoughts and questions flew through her brain as she observed the man sat in front of her. Why would he be there? What possible reason would he have for being in her house the night of the fire? Did he start the fire? Did he know she was there?

'Did you get me out the house Red?' It was a guess, but her intuition shouted that she was right. A hesitation, then a slow nod. She didn't know what to think, didn't know what to feel. She didn't understand, and she was sure he wasn't going to explain, not really. He might placate her with a fraction of the truth but she was sure he wouldn't tell her the whole story. She flattened her palms against his back and ran them around his waist to settle against his stomach. Resting her head on his left shoulder she closed her eyes and breathed in his scent. 'Will you tell me the whole story one day Red? When this is all done, when it's safe?' She whispered it into his ear and he immediately turned his head towards her. He was surprised, even he couldn't hide it.

'One day Lizzie, I will tell you everything I can.' She smiled against the skin of his shoulder, he was always so evasive. Agreeing with his words but leaving himself a get out clause in the process. It was enough though, right now it was enough.

Suddenly she felt exhausted. The pure emotional upheaval of the last few hours washed over her in a wave causing her to let out a huge yawn against his shoulder. She felt his chuckle rather than heard the quiet noise. He loosened her grip around his waist and turned in her arms.

'It's been a long night. We should get some sleep'.

Lizzie raised her eyebrows at him and sent him a saucy smirk 'I have to admit when I pictured you in my bed Red, sleep was not really my first thought.' He huffed out an amused breath and pulled her down into the bed with him. He pressed close to her back, tucking his legs against hers and wrapping an arm around her waist.

'There will be time for that Lizzie I assure you, but right now I have been awake for almost 26 hours and I'm quite sure my performance would be slightly lacking.'

A sleepy 'Mmm' the only response he received. He closed his eyes and felt the tension release from his body.

It wasn't perfect. It wasn't a fairy tale. It would be hard and he wasn't entirely sure he was making the right decision. But in this moment, pressed against her sleeping back, feeling her heart thump strong and steady it felt right. It was real. And right now, that was enough.

Finish.

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A/N: I hope you enjoyed it. I know, I know, I bottled the M rating. I tried, I honestly did (one reason why its taken me as long to update!) but no matter how I wrote it I never felt it was right. I couldn't quite get over my embarrassment either, its a bit sad that a grown woman can't write a convincing sex scene but there you go. I hope you aren't too disappointed!

Thank you to everybody who had read and left me a review. I honestly never expected to receive so many lovely comments, they mean the world to me and spurred me on to make this story what it turned out to be (so really its all your fault, cant even blame me at all).

Let me know what you think of the final chapter, even if its just to tell me I robbed you of sexy times ;-)


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